I had a blog back in 2016, however I deleted it due to not really liking the writing style I had adopted. Instead of continuing with it, I decided it would be easier to just start a fresh blog.
A lot in my life has changed since 2016. I completed my A-levels and got into University, to study my dream career (Mental Health Nursing). I wanted to use my childhood experiences with mental illness and turn it into a positive - helping others. As well as really underestimating how mentally challenging it would be to walk back onto an acute psychiatric ward in uniform, I also decided to stop taking my mood stabilisers. As somebody diagnosed with bipolar disorder, medication is very important in keeping me well.
I managed to pass the first year of Nursing, but it was the second year where things started to get 'bad'. My mood dipped very low and I spent several months feeling incredibly depressed. I forced myself out of bed and put on my student nurse uniform, forcing a smile onto my face as I buzzed myself into the ward, but I knew things were starting to get bad again. I was referred back to CMHT after almost a year of staying out of services, who did an initial assessment, and then told me it would be a few months before I was seen. During that time, things drastically improved - I started feeling happy, positive, smiley. I got a sunflower tattoo spontaneously with my friend. I got my nose pierced. I applied for 45 jobs at 3:00 in the morning. I organised my entire wardrobe by colour. I stopped sleeping and stayed up all night writing a book. I cancelled my CMHT referral.
My University raised concerns that my mental health was potentially deteriorating and my mood was getting 'too high' - writing to CMHT and requesting another urgent appointment, contacting my GP, emailing Occupational Health. I was still unmedicated and my mood continued to soar. It wasn't long before I was going out running on a main road in the middle of the night, taking out loans and spending thousands of pounds, becoming reckless with my sex life. I was told that I couldn't go on placement because I was 'too much of a risk', and CMHT gave me a care co-ordinator who arranged for an informal hospital admission.
It was one of three. The first one, my first inpatient admission since adulthood, lasted five days before I self-discharged. I was still manic, but not enough of a risk to be detained under a Section 5(2), so I was allowed to leave. I was promptly admitted again, a month later, which lasted seven days. I self-discharged again.
On New Years Eve, my mood had dipped very low again and things came to a head. I ended up in a general hospital for a few days, was detained under a Section 2, and transferred to the psychiatric ward. The ward was opposite the one I had been on for placement. I stayed there for two and a half months - when my Section 2 ran out, I was put on a 3. I was started on Lithium, and finally deemed well enough to be discharged.
Now, I am picking up the pieces. I am trying to come to terms with having to withdraw from my University course, with having to move back with my parents after living independently with my friends, with having to sort out the debts I've found myself in, with having to look for a part-time job. Bipolar disorder has taken a lot away from me, but I have hope. I have been told that 'the outcome is good', if I stay on my medication, and engage with services. It's still a battle at times. This disorder is really tough. But I'm going to work hard to get better, and get back to Nursing.
A lot in my life has changed since 2016. I completed my A-levels and got into University, to study my dream career (Mental Health Nursing). I wanted to use my childhood experiences with mental illness and turn it into a positive - helping others. As well as really underestimating how mentally challenging it would be to walk back onto an acute psychiatric ward in uniform, I also decided to stop taking my mood stabilisers. As somebody diagnosed with bipolar disorder, medication is very important in keeping me well.
I managed to pass the first year of Nursing, but it was the second year where things started to get 'bad'. My mood dipped very low and I spent several months feeling incredibly depressed. I forced myself out of bed and put on my student nurse uniform, forcing a smile onto my face as I buzzed myself into the ward, but I knew things were starting to get bad again. I was referred back to CMHT after almost a year of staying out of services, who did an initial assessment, and then told me it would be a few months before I was seen. During that time, things drastically improved - I started feeling happy, positive, smiley. I got a sunflower tattoo spontaneously with my friend. I got my nose pierced. I applied for 45 jobs at 3:00 in the morning. I organised my entire wardrobe by colour. I stopped sleeping and stayed up all night writing a book. I cancelled my CMHT referral.
My University raised concerns that my mental health was potentially deteriorating and my mood was getting 'too high' - writing to CMHT and requesting another urgent appointment, contacting my GP, emailing Occupational Health. I was still unmedicated and my mood continued to soar. It wasn't long before I was going out running on a main road in the middle of the night, taking out loans and spending thousands of pounds, becoming reckless with my sex life. I was told that I couldn't go on placement because I was 'too much of a risk', and CMHT gave me a care co-ordinator who arranged for an informal hospital admission.
It was one of three. The first one, my first inpatient admission since adulthood, lasted five days before I self-discharged. I was still manic, but not enough of a risk to be detained under a Section 5(2), so I was allowed to leave. I was promptly admitted again, a month later, which lasted seven days. I self-discharged again.
On New Years Eve, my mood had dipped very low again and things came to a head. I ended up in a general hospital for a few days, was detained under a Section 2, and transferred to the psychiatric ward. The ward was opposite the one I had been on for placement. I stayed there for two and a half months - when my Section 2 ran out, I was put on a 3. I was started on Lithium, and finally deemed well enough to be discharged.
Now, I am picking up the pieces. I am trying to come to terms with having to withdraw from my University course, with having to move back with my parents after living independently with my friends, with having to sort out the debts I've found myself in, with having to look for a part-time job. Bipolar disorder has taken a lot away from me, but I have hope. I have been told that 'the outcome is good', if I stay on my medication, and engage with services. It's still a battle at times. This disorder is really tough. But I'm going to work hard to get better, and get back to Nursing.